Codependency happens when a person's thinking and behavior is based around another person, purpose, or substance. A codependent foregoes their needs and emotions to fulfill someone else’s. The person with the codependency ends up being angry and resentful at the person they give their power over to because they compromise their voice, needs and values.
This can play out in family, romantic, career, and friendship relationships. If there is a lack of boundaries in place, the cycle slowly starts and before you know it, you’re in a full blown, codependent relationship. An example of a codependent family dynamic would be a mother worried about her adult child who has an addiction. The mother may give the child money, sometimes even sneaking the child money, or maybe the child needs shelter, so she lets the child stay in the home for a few days. These behaviors start out as a mother helping her child but become codependent when the mother exceedingly gives the child money or shelter after boundaries have been set with the understanding these behaviors enable the child to keep making poor choices. You cannot fault a mother or any parental figure for wanting to support the child but not keeping boundaries helps the child stay in the same self-sabotaging cycle. When we codependently relieve someone of their lessons, they will be made to learn the lessons, regardless, and we are only prolonging their journey.
In a relationship where a partner cheats, oftentimes, what happens is the cheating partner is like an empty well. In their mind, needs aren’t being met, their voice isn't being heard and they don't know how to self sooth and reflect so that they feel whole. They are looking for connection outside themselves as one person is not going to be enough to sustain the emptiness; they need constant validation and reassurance that they are worthy, loveable, and wanted. The partner finds short-lived fulfilment in sexual or emotional relationships where they feel temporarily full. The faithful person in the partnership suffering from low self-esteem feels like they're not good enough and it starts the dynamic of chasing and running. Because there's no trust and respect is lost with each occurrence, the cycle repeats until one of the partners decides to break the cycle.
If you're in a dynamic where one person is always chasing the other for approval and validation, you probably have codependent tendencies.
Some of the key factors for noticing codependent patterns are….
· never saying “no”. You are a yes person and “no” does not enter your vocabulary, even when it means that you may be angry and resentful underneath. You will say yes and put others’ needs before yours.
· you find your value through other people’s perception of you.
· you need validation from those outside of yourself and feel insecure making your own choices.
· you seek attention and interest from people that ultimately have no true place in your life just to feel good.
· you feel uncomfortable allowing other people to feel their emotions.
If you find yourself in the above situations and feel exhausted with these cycles, join me in my upcoming classes where we will begin the process of breaking these patterns for good!
Love & healing,