10 Mins

Are you a narcissist?

October 3, 2023

What is a narcissist? This is a personality disorder where the person believes the world revolves around them. The person is very “me” focused, often to a degree of making “you” feel like you’re not important and your feelings do not matter.Believe it or not, we all have a bit of narcissism in us but most of us, have a balanced psyche, and we understand when we have higher levels of needs and can voice these needs or insecurities, give more self-nurturing, and create space to self-evaluate, ensuring our needs are met. We generally feel safe doing so unless, of course, we are with a narcissistic partner/parent/sibling/boss, etc.A narcissist does not understand the balance between your needs and theirs. They focus and objectify what they want and only truly care about what you want as a way to get their needs met. This is a learned behavior developed in childhood and crafted through trial and error of receiving affirmation and reward through manipulation. Let’s be honest, at some point in time we have all used similar behavior to gain something we wanted or needed; hence, “we are all a bit narcissistic”; correct? In seeing this, we can then delve deeper into the narcissistic/codependent relationship also known as the runner/chaser, avoidant/anxious, abuser/abusee.Because of my upbringing I had a very solid pattern of attracting the avoidant/runner aka the “narcissist.” If you were healthy and wanted me, I didn’t want you. I longed for the person that represented my mother- unavailable, avoidant, addictive, and emotionally unstable. I kept this pattern in pretty fine lines only attracting the light version of this type until 2013ish when my first business Mind, Body, Spirit of Omaha went under. My business partner & I had a falling out leaving me to try to run and afford a brand-new build-out that cost roughly $3,500 per month. Being a single mom, raising four kids, and leaving my teaching career, I was not set up for success and after nearly going bankrupt, I closed the doors two years later. I was in a very vulnerable place that started my pattern of dating full-blown addicts- the male versions of my mother. I spent the next several years learning upclose and personally about the empath & narcissist relationship, and, I assure you, I wore this pattern as my daily outfit until I felt like my soul would leave my body, and slowly, day by day, the self I had known died.In the last abusive relationship I had in this cycle, I remember calling Jane, my mother figure, and any friend that would listen to me complain and cry about how cruel, insensitive, unfaithful, and berating my boyfriend was. I would spend hours in my head thinking of all the ways to convince him if he just got help, he could be healthy, a better partner, and less abusive. I would beg and plead, find angles to try and manipulate how he saw things, hoping he would see the “truth.” There are lengthy stories and many points to make that would have you agreeing and on my “ohhhh, he is definitely a narcissist” bandwagon, but guess what? Proving my points, showing this man was a male clone of my mother, convincing you how cruel and self-serving his agenda was isn’t what healed me, and it isn’t what broke my pattern of dating toxic men. I only removed myself from this typeof relationship and pattern and started to heal when I began self-reflection, self-love, and self-awareness. The blame game can be a magical ride, one where we deprive oneself of the reality that we choose these partners, and because of our lack of self, we set ourselves up for these dynamics. If you’re honest and reflect, the truth is healed people don’t attract those that aren’t. Narcissists target their counterparts whether consciously or not. If you are in a healed place, this dynamic won’t happen because the energy is incongruent and a healthy person can see the patterns from miles away. This isn't the easiest truth to admit but it is the truth that will set you free...I plan on exploring more on this topic soon. So stick around and let’s chat…